A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Tatiana the Titmouse

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Quotes

• Miles Gloriosus : Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement!

  Pseudolus : Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?

• Philia : That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace!

  Pseudolus : He raped Thrace?

  Philia : And then he came and did it again! And then again!

  Pseudolus : He raped Thrace thrice?

• [Examining a wine bottle]

  Pseudolus : Was 1 a good year?

• Hero : Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.

  Pseudolus : Be the first. Start a fashion.

• Pseudolus : Wait!

  Hero : Yes?

  Pseudolus : A brilliant idea!

  Hero : Yes!

  Pseudolus : That's what we need, a brilliant idea.

• Hysterium : [He's dressed in women's clothing] My father will turn over his grave if he saw me like this.

  Pseudolus : Your father is alive.

  Hysterium : Well... this will kill him.

• Pseudolus : [disguised as a soothsayer and chanting loud gibberish] I say! You are in need of a soothsayer.

  Erronius : How did you know?

  Pseudolus : I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.

• Pseudolus : An honest virgin! What a terrible combination!

• Lycus : Is it contagious?

  Pseudolus : Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't?

• Miles Gloriosus : What is she like?

  Pseudolus : A face so fair, a heart so pure - Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she!

  Miles Gloriosus : As magnificent as that?

• Pseudolus : Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling.

• Pseudolus : [Speaking of the girl Hero says he loves] A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?

  Hero : Is that disgraceful?

  Pseudolus : There's no way to make it sound like an achievement!

• Pseudolus : I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces.

• Pseudolus : We'll need a body. Anybody's body.

  Hysterium : Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?

  Pseudolus : He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.

  Hysterium : Uh - what about HIS body?

  Pseudolus : Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead?

  [He covers his eyes with his hand]

  Hysterium : [sadly] I wish *I* was.

  [Pseudolus uncovers his eyes, turns and grins madly at him as if to say, "Aha! That's it!"]

• Pseudolus : You must never know what goes on in that house.

  Hero : But I do know.

  Pseudolus : You do? Isn't it amazing.

• Pseudolus : [referring to Hero's being alone with Philia] What can happen in an hour or two?

  Hysterium : At his age, the mind boggles!

• Miles Gloriosus : I cannot afford to offend the gods.

  Pseudolus : Who can?

• Pseudolus : Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other?

  Hysterium : One of us isn't ready yet.

• Miles Gloriosus : [about to leave his fiance's funeral] But first, a farewell kiss.

  Pseudolus : Of course!

  [kisses him]

  Miles Gloriosus : Not you!

• Pseudolus : [seeing his master, who has been seized and kissed by Philia] Sir! You're back!

  Senex : She almost broke it!

• [Fertilla, an obese slave, grabs Pseudolus]

  Fertilla : My man has come for me!

  Pseudolus : Good. Where is he?

• Pseudolus : [talking to the audience about the mare's sweat he needed for his potion] Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets away!

• Pseudolus : [to the stammering Hysterium] Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!

  Miles Gloriosus : [notices the tampered hourglass] I smell mischief here!

  Pseudolus : [suddenly filled with dread] It's time.

• Lycus : She was sold just this morning.

  Hero : Sold! Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!

  [tries to stab himself and misses]

  Pseudolus : [takes the blade] Behave yourself!

  Lycus : [resuming] He'll pick her up within the hour.

  Hero : Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!

  [takes another knife out, tries to stab himself, and misses yet again]

  Pseudolus : Put your bosom away!

• Hysterium : How dare you call me a eunuch?

  Pseudolus : You know it isn't true and I know it isn't true. So what do we care what they think?

• Pseudolus : [He sees Philia kissing Senex but thinks its's Hero; to the audience] He gets to look more and more like his father every day.

• Pseudolus : [singing] Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight...

• Pseudolus : Did I not just spy a golden head with a pair of sky-blue eyes wafting down yon balcony?

  Lycus : Oh, that one. A recent arrival from Crete. A virgin.

  Pseudolus : A virgin.

  Hero : Is that good?

• Hysterium : Pseudolus...

  Pseudolus : I'm Lycus!

  Hysterium : But, Pseudolus...

  Pseudolus : I'm Lycus!

  Hysterium : But, Pseudolus - !

  Pseudolus : I'm Lycus, and I still know where you keep that erotic pottery!

  Hysterium : Well, Lycus - all right, Lycus! He's Lycus!

• Pseudolus : Madam, the hospitality of your house is being enjoyed by Miles Gloriosus.

  Domina : THE Gloriosus?

  Pseudolus : The THE himself!

• Roman Sentry : Citizens, we caught your runaway slave. Now he dare challenge our right to execute him.

  Pseudolus : Because I'm a family slave. Whats the good of belonging to a family if you're executed by strangers?

  Domina : He is correct. We shall torture him.

  Pseudolus : See how they look after their own?

• Lycus : How did you come into money?

  Pseudolus : An unexpected legacy. My uncle Simo, the Carthaginian elephant breeder, came to an untimely end. He was crushed to death on the last day of the mating season.

• Hysterium : How dare you! Arranging an assignation between an innocent boy and a you-know-what!

  Pseudolus : There's something about that you-know-what that you do not know what!

  Hysterium : What do I know not what?

  Pseudolus : That girl is my daughter.

  Hysterium : Your what?

  Pseudolus : My daughter. You've heard me speak of her.

  Hysterium : Never!

  Pseudolus : And I don't like to talk about her.

  Hysterium : That girl is not your daughter.

  Pseudolus : My sister?

• Pseudolus : Poor child, a virgin till the end. A lot of good it did you.

• Philia : When I heard the revellers, I thought my captain had come.

  Pseudolus : He has, but he's not ready yet. Just wait in there. Wait. Wait! Wait! Thats what virgins are supposed to do best.

• Domina : You were doing what you always do - seeking money to buy your freedom.

  Pseudolus : Freedom? Oh, madam, who would want to be free of you?

  Senex : Who indeed?

• Pseudolus : If you see a lad with anything resembling mare sweat, send him up to the green bedroom immediately.

• Pseudolus : You see? Everything is turning out fine.

  Hysterium : Everything is turning out fine? When the master thinks the virgin's a maid, the virgin think's shes the master's mistress, and the mistress not know her son's about with his tongue hanging out.

• Pseudolus : You just see to that hourglass and keep those sands from running out, and I'll be grateful to you as long as I live. If I live that long.

• Pseudolus : I am dazzled by your presence.

  Miles Gloriosus : Everyone is.

• Pseudolus : [first lines, sung] Something familiar, something peculiar, something for everyone, a comedy tonight! Something appealing, something appalling, something for everyone, a comedy tonight! Nothing with kings! Nothing with crowns! Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns! Old situations, new complications, nothing portentous or polite! Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight!

• Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : [singing] Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,

  Lycus : Cleaning up?

  Senex : Leaning down,

  Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : Everybody ought to have a maid, Someone who'll be, Busy as a bumblebee, And even if you grumble, Be as graceful as a grouse,

  Lycus : Wriggling in the anteroom!

  Hysterium : Jiggling in the living room!

  Pseudolus : Giggling in the dining room!

  Senex : Wiggling in the other rooms!

  Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : Puttering all around the house!

• Pseudolus : Your new maid. We needed someone to help.

  Senex : The new maid? She seems very loyal.

  Pseudolus : Very courteous and very efficient and very thoughtful.

  Senex : Maids like me. I'm neat. I like maids. They're neat.

  [singing]

  Senex : Everybody ought to have a maid, Everybody ought to have a working girl, Everybody ought to have a lurking girl, To putter around the house, Everybody ought to have a maid, Everybody ought to have a menial, Consistently congenial, And quieter than a mouse, Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious, Tidying up the dishes, neat as a pin? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be delightful, Sweeping out? Sleeping in...

• [last lines]

  Pseudolus : [sung] Lovers divided, get coincided - something for everyone...

  Hero , Philia : A comedy tonight!

  Pseudolus : Father and mother, get one another.

  Domina : Something for everyone...

  Senex : [whispers] A tragedy tonight.

  Miles Gloriosus : I get the twins, they get the best!

  Erronius : I get a family...

  Hysterium : I get a rest.

  Soldiers : We get a few girls...

  Lycus : I'll get some new girls.

  Pseudolus : I get the thing I want to be...

  Hero : [spoken] Free.

  Pseudolus : Free!

  Pseudolus , Hero , Philia , Domina , Senex , Miles Gloriosus , Erronius , Hysterium , Soldiers , Lycus : Free, free, free, free - Nothing for kings, nothing for crowns! Something for lovers, liars and clowns - What is the moral? Must be a moral. Here is the moral wrong or right - Morals tomorrow, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy - tonight!

• Pseudolus : Our principle character live on this street, in a less fashionable suburb of Rome in these three houses. First, the house of Erronius, a befuddled old man abroad now in search of his children, stolen in infancy by pirates!

  Chorus : [sung] Something erratic, something dramatic, something for everyone a comedy tonight!

  Pseudolus : Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and seller of the flesh of beautiful women - that's for those of you who have absolutely no interest in pirates.

  Lycus : Something for everyone!

  Pseudolus : [sung] A comedy tonight!

  Pseudolus : And finally, the house of Senex, who lives here with his wife and son. Also in this house dwells Pseudolus, slave to his son. Pseudolus is probably my favorite character in the piece, a role of enormous variety and nuance, and played by an actor of such versatility, such magnificent training, such... Let me put it this way - I play the part.

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060438/characters/nm0609216

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